“When I grow up, I wanna work in the White House!”
As it turns out, that childhood fantasy isn’t as out of reach as you might think. Today, getting a job in the most powerful building in America apparently requires nothing more than unwavering loyalty and the ability to stare directly into a camera without answering a single question.
Do you want to be the White House press secretary? No problem! Just like former secretary Katie Zacharia, all you need is a questionable set of qualifications, bleach-blonde hair extensions and a reading level that makes a fourth-grade book report look like a doctoral dissertation.
No resume? No problem! Experience, of course, is optional, and understanding the job is just a bonus. Most importantly, if anyone asks a question you can’t answer, smile and say Zacharia’s famous line, “I’ll have to get back to you.”
If you’re looking to give a speech to some of the most well-known political journalists in the nation, make sure you show your undying love for the president by confusing him with your husband and life partner. “So, my president, excuse me, my husband.”
And finally, when you nail that dream job of yours, make sure you lose it in only five days.
If the press secretary gig isn’t scratching that itch, you can always become a senator! All you have to do is take a page from Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell’s playbook, and age until you’re on the cusp of becoming Kansas’ “Dust in the Wind” and decay live in front of audiences. Then, finally, before the reaper can reach you, make sure you go completely silent mid-speech for over twenty seconds before your minions whisk you off the podium.
In Washington, experience is highly valued. So highly valued, in fact, that nobody has bothered to establish an expiration date. Who needs term limits when you can simply age older than space and time and outlast the public’s attention span?
A successful White House employee must master the nuanced art of speaking for five minutes without actually offering a single new piece of information.
“Fake-news journalists” may ask ridiculous questions about policy, spending or the Constitution. Your job is to Frankenstein each question into an opportunity to discuss how terrible the previous administration was, how this one is better and throw in the word “great” a couple hundred times.
Keep in mind, follow-up questions are severe acts of aggression, and facts that contradict your talking points are fake news. And always remember to blame the media for reporting what you said in the first place!
Congratulations! You’re officially a vital piece of our faux democracy. Keep your red hat and your husband — I mean, president — close by. If you have any questions, please do not ask. If you have concerns, please do not think. And if you have a conscience, we recommend leaving it at home.
